beyond the b | ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Copyright © 2016
Copyright © 2016
On March 18, 2016, I felt the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. I woke up to find my family's golden retriever had passed away overnight. At 5:30 a.m. that day, I was completely dazed in shock as my parents and I carried the pup to the trunk of the car. In tears, we each said goodbye to our beloved Cooper. I then got ready, drove to work, and went about my day- trying extremely hard to hold it together as I cleaned people's teeth.
My name "Brianna" means strong and that's who I've always had to be in order to protect myself. So, when bad things happen, I tend to internalize it all. I don't like to be sad, hurt, or upset (let alone show it). No one really does, but I am probably the worst at handling it. In fact, I have a tendency to find any and all distractions to move forward. I've built all these walls in order to avoid allowing myself to be consumed by these emotions. I figured it was just easier and better that way. What I've learned over the past 4 months since I lost Cooper is that I am actually broken. In one day, I lost my pup- my brother, my friend, my companion, and a significant piece of my heart- and I am still not okay. I don't think I was properly prepared to deal with this level of heartbreak. I am hoping this will help me heal.
These are all the things I wish I could say to you. I am sorry if I ever took any of our moments for granted. You were almost 12 years old, but you always felt like a young pup to me. You came into our lives when I was a junior in high school- still mourning the traumatic passing of my childhood maltese. Yes, you were very handsome, playful, and undoubtedly easy to love. But you were truly the best dog for our family because you were also so loyal and unselfish. You never asked for much and understood that everyone in our family is incredibly busy. I have never met a human (outside my immediate family) greater than you-- one who could love [me] so unconditionally without motive or expectation.
Sometimes, when I am alone, I think of you. I think about how I could bonk your nose a million times and you wouldn't even flinch. I think about how I used to chase you around the kitchen table until you got tired. I think about how I would continue feeding you treats just because I liked the way you ate it out of my hand politely. I think about our times laying out by the pool- you stealing Commando's slippers and us rushing inside whenever the gardeners or pool guy unexpectedly showed up. I think about our car rides to Fresno with your sleepy face resting on my lap. I think about all these things when I am alone. It's not that I don't want others to know how special of a pup you were to me, but it honestly hurts so badly to remember that you are gone, that these memories are all I have left.
But what I really want to say is " thank you". By nature, I have a lot of love to give. I genuinely want people to be happy and I will bake or do whatever to try to facilitate that. [You know this already since you would stay up with me as I frequently baked like a Keebler elf throughout the night.] However, because of this, I tend to attract people who take advantage of my heart and you've seen how this has affected me.
I do not take any of my relationships lightly. I know I am a good person and a good friend. In fact, I would most definitely stand up for a friend who's being bullied [check] and even go so far as to rally to bail a friend out of county jail no questions asked [check]. At times, I may even go too far to protect the people in my life. The crazy thing about this world is that there has to be some kind of balance. And with that said, sometimes what I have to give is never going to be enough. There will be people who try to bring others down with them. There will be people who selfishly think their problems are the only ones that exist. Everyone has problems, but it's how we deal with them that defines our character. I've finally accepted that there is only so much I can do. I can't change anyone and that is never my intention. But I also don't want anyone changing me. Often, I find myself so concerned with making others feel better that I allow myself to take on the burden of their pain, hurt, and sadness.
Thank you for showing me what kind of love I deserve. The best kind of love is the one you know is always there regardless of distance or the amount of time you have together. There is no drama, guilt, or hurt inflicted in real love. When I boldly state that dogs are better than most humans, I am referring to you. I would choose you over everyone. You brought so much joy to my life and I will never forget you. I know how much you loved me, because I still love you just the same.